Rules for Writers

Last year, as many of you may remember, the Guardian published a series of Rules for Writers. They were written by contemporary literature’s great and good with varying levels of humour and cheek tonguing.

As an aspiring writer I read most of them. At times I was delighted to see how my own practise resembled mirrored successful authors. Just as often however I vehemently disagreed with the advice given, knowing that it would never work for me. This is my list of advice heeded and unheeded, listened to and ignored. The best and worst from the point of view of the great unpublished.

‘Work on a computer that is disconnected from the ­internet.’ – Zadie Smith

Impossible for me. As soon as I read this I could not imagine how she does it. The web is a constant source of reference for me and whilst writing I use it for verifying information, checking historical accuracy and even Google Streetviewing locations to try and get a feel for a place whilst I am stuck in front of my computer. One those that just don’t work for me.

‘Regard yourself as a small corporation of one. Take yourself off on team-building exercises (long walks). Hold a Christmas party every year at which you stand in the corner of your writing room, shouting very loudly to yourself while drinking a bottle of white wine. Then masturbate under the desk. The following day you will feel a deep and cohering sense of embarrassment.’ – Will Self

Maybe the best rule in the entire series. Can’t look at my desk in the same way now though.

‘Do, occasionally, give in to temptation. Wash the kitchen floor, hang out the washing. It’s research.’ – Roddy Doyle

Not only is it research, it is essential to keeping your mind on the job. I find it impossible to write anything decent, even a letter to the bank, if there is something else on my mind. Actually, often the letter to the bank is the something on my mind keeping me from writing.

‘Do back exercises. Pain is distracting.’ – Margaret Atwood

Possibly because I have an uncomfortable chair. It’s white pleather, less resplendent than when first bought. Nothing good about it at all really. Balls to IKEA.

‘Never use the word “then” as a ­conjunction – we have “and” for this purpose. Substituting “then” is the lazy or tone-deaf writer’s non-solution to the problem of too many “ands” on the page.’ – Jonathan Franzen

THEN THEN THEN THEN THEN THEN THEN THEN THEN THEN THEN THEN THEN THEN THEN THEN.

‘Never forget, even your own rules are there to be broken.’ – Esther Freud

Yeah, Franzen.

‘Don’t drink and write at the same time’ – Richard Ford

Cracking advice this. Whenever I have written fiction after a jar or two it has been crap. I suppose there comes a time to accept that I am not Kerouac, Hemingway or Bukowski. Those dudes could write when larruped.

The downside to this piece of advice for part-time writers is that if you follow it strictly then that means no wine with dinner before writing. Maybe it could be softened to, ‘Don’t drink excessively and write at the same time’?

‘Decide when in the day (or night) it best suits you to write, and organise your life accordingly.’ – Andrew Motion

One of the few rules I have taken seriously. As a part-time writer it is hard to find a decent amount of time to work, when you are busy, well, working. I find it helps to write whenever possible, figuring out when it’s most comfortable to do so and try to keep that time free as often as possible.

‘Always carry a notebook. And I mean always. The short-term memory only retains information for three minutes; unless it is committed to paper you can lose an idea for ever.’ – Will Self

The amount of ideas I have forgotten because I didn’t have a notebook. Now it is the first thing I pack whenever I leave the house.

‘Write.’ – Neil Gaiman

Fragment (consider revising)

This is a kind of in-betweener post. It’s just here to fill a gap between other posts really. Honest. Also, yes, it is inspired by the fact that I am editing some work at the moment and am getting annoyed with Microsoft Word eternally changing my default language to English (US) and finding fault with perfectly decent sentences.

Ever written a really good sentence in Microsoft Word only to have it underscored with a squiggly green line? It’s probably happen to every writer who uses Word, rather than a better, more expensive word processor. Here are a few great, profound and beautiful sentences in literature that Bill Gates’ finest has a problem with.

From The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

Problem: Fragment (consider revising)

From The Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis

and it’s a story that might bore you, but you don’t have to listen, because I always knew it was going to be like that.

Problem: Capitalisation

From A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Problem: Comma Use – suggested replacing it with a semi-colon

From The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway

The sail was patched with flour sacks and, furled, it looked like the flag of permanent defeat.

Problem: Comma use – suggest a semi-colon after furled

From A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers

Through the small tall bathroom window the December yard is gray and scratchy, the trees calligraphic.

Problem: Fragment (consider revising)

From Our Man in Havana by Graham Greene

On Wormold’s death-bed, when Dr Hasselbacher came to feel his failing pulse, he would perhaps become Jim.

Suggests that death-bed should be deathbed. Also does not like the spelling of either Wormold or Hasselbacher.

I might post a few more as I think of them.

The Size of the Book and the Motion in the Promotion

If you happen to read publishing trade press The Bookseller you will almost certainly have noticed that seemingly one article in every three is about the decline of print book sales. It’s not really much of a surprise. Spending on pretty much everything is going down at the moment and e-book sales have naturally taken a chunk (though I believe the fearmongering about them is a bit premature and over the top). However, for me, the single biggest issue affecting print book sales is variety. A glance inside my local Waterstone’s leaves me, at the moment, pretty uninspired. The promotional shelves are dominated by safe options and historic bestsellers such as Jamie Oliver (surely everyone has one now? No?) and the tables piled high with books, some of which have been resident for well over a year.

I don’t mean to suggest that these titles do not sell. They do, clearly. Jamie Oliver’s recent Meals in 30 Minutes has registered unbelievable figures. But in giving so much space to one book, or a few authors, you limit the choice offered in terms of print books in a proper bookshop. By diversifying the range on the tables and walls, changing things around and taking a risk on some titles that are little bit different and, well, riskier, then a shop can quickly find itself with an exciting, varied promotional offer than holds the attention of book shoppers instead of boring them because they’ve seen 80% of what greets them at the front of store a hundred times before.

The books to create an interesting offer are out there. But they need publisher and retailer backing (from both indies and chains) to be able to appeal to the market that will be excited into buying them. Here are a few recent, lesser-promoted, books, and a couple of upcomings, that I would love to see given a push:

Coconut Unlimited by Nikesh Shukla

Okay, so I haven’t read this. Well I sort of have. I got through thirty pages before leaving the damn thing on a train. How I did not notice that I hadn’t picked it up I will never know. The cover is orange!

Anyway. This is a new-ish title, from a young and exciting British author, about teenagers growing up in Harrow and forming a rap band. I can’t think of many more books that go anywhere near this subject matter and would love to see such a clearly different and interesting novel piled high in bookshops around the UK. One feels that there is a big market for this book that is not being addressed.

If I Loved You I Would Tell You This by Robin Black

It’s short stories, so probably doesn’t stand a huge chance in UK bookshops. But that just ain’t right. In an ideal world story collections would get as much and more attention as novels do (admittedly if I were piecing together an ideal world parity between short stories and novels would not be the first thing I did, but y’know).

I have been picking up and putting down this one and the stories are brilliant, insightful and funny. For me Robin Black joins the likes of Lorrie Moore and Amy Bloom as a short story writer with both a beautiful turn of phrase and insight into the human condition.

The Rehearsal by Eleanor Catton

One of those books that depressed me because of the accomplishments of an author several years younger than I am. The Rehearsal is brilliantly inventive, wonderfully written and utterly engrossing. Ostensibly it is the story of a pupil-teacher affair, though the real hook in The Rehearsal is how Catton plays with the form of the novel, using dramatic conventions alongside traditional fiction writing to great effect.

Noughties by Ben Masters

Out next year on Hamish Hamilton. It’s the story of five friends on a their final night at university.

That’s about all I know of it. But it’s by a young British novelist and will I am sure appeal to a growing market of late-twenty, early-thirty-somethings. If given a push, novels like this could really do well with a whole generation that is now well into adulthood.

The Monsters of Templeton by Lauren Groff

Just about to finish this book. It’s really good fun, the characters are brilliantly imagined and though the whole novel centres around the death of a lake monster (that’s not a spoiler, it happens on the first page) feels very believeble.

Lauren Groff studied under Lorrie Moore and there is a clear influence in her writing, which is no bad thing.

Cold Light by Jenn Ashworth

Released at the end of the month and sounds very exciting. Jenn Ashworth is a great writer and a lovely person to boot (interviewed her for Art and Things magazine).

Jenn was on the 12 Best New British novelists and deservedly so. This book deserves great success.

Made in Britain by Gavin James Bower

So there’s totally a theme going here. He’s young, British and a good writer.

Out in September and narrated by three sixteen-year-olds in a British every town. Check out some Made in Britain japes at http://made-in-britain.tumblr.com/

Books vs Everything Else

George Orwell’s 1946 essay ‘Books vs Cigarettes’ discussed the cost of reading compared to the cost of other recreational activities (the cinema, smoking and drinking – if you can call the latter two recreational activities). He suggested that reading is a pretty cheap hobby and I believe the same is true today.

Books as a product seem to have been cheapened in recent years by huge discounting in pretty much all outlets, bar indies who seemingly do nicely by selling at full price. The end result of this is that the public conception of what a book should cost gets lower and lower. To put that idea in context: if an infrequent book buyer sees a cookery book in a supermarket for £5 and a similar book in Waterstone’s for £18.99 they are likely to think that Waterstone’s is ripping them off. Over time book buyers come to think that a fair price for a book is much, much lower than what it should be and become unwillingly to buy a product that is above that price.

It’s getting to the point where £7.99 for a paperback fiction book is looking pretty expensive. So to put this in context in a similar way to how Orwell once did (though I am sure, far less skilfully), here are a few products that make books seem cheap, or at least reasonable for the hours of entertainment and pleasure they give.

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Cinema Tickets:

The Vue cinema near me charges £8.20 for a standard, weeknight adult ticket. That’s £8.20 for an uncomfortable seat in a horrible building, where the foyer reeks of stale piss because they don’t clean it, to watch one of the six films they put on because they are unwilling to take a risk on movies that may be a little edgier but offer variety and diversity. And that film will last a maximum of three hours.

A new paperback book will cost you anywhere between £6.99 and £9.99, depending on the size of tome and popularity of author. You will get a damn sight more entertainment out of it than with certain films (Cloverfield, all of the Wayan brothers’ films, for example), won’t be charged £5 for a snack whilst you’re reading it, and unless you’re on a train it is unlikely that there will be someone sitting not too far away playing with their phone (when I saw Black Swan the girl in front BBM’d for the entire film).

I love the cinema and love films. But set against a copy of say, Brideshead Revisited it seems a little overpriced, even if like me, you book student tickets knowing that no one will ask to see ID on the way in.

Wine:

I love wine almost as much as I do films. But a bottle ain’t cheap and unlike with a book, you’re a lot dumber at the end of it.

When compared with a cheap classic paperback, say The Count of Monte Cristo at £2, a bottle of crap Ernest and Julio Gallo wine seems pretty unreasonable (actually compared to anything Ernest and Julio Gallo is unreasonable – oooh, wine bitchiness). Next time you’re in a supermarket - or if you’re that sort of person, a wine merchants – looking for a decent bottle for under a tenner that won’t last the evening, think about how much you paid for your last book. Which seems the more expensive product?

Subway:

A rank, soggy sandwich for £6 or a paperback for £7.99. I’ll take the paperback, thanks. Probably tastes better than the damn sandwich in any case.

Monopoly:

There are several editions of Monopoly, with the cheapest retailing at £16.99. Is that reasonable for a game you will use once, before deciding that the feud following your purchase of Park Lane is not worth dealing with, and the game is boxed up, never to be seen again?

The same goes for Risk, Cluedo, Pictionary and Scrabble. These games seem to be vastly inflated in price for an entertainment product, whilst the humble book holds firm, rarely exceeding £9.99 and offering a more private, sedate way to spend your free time. Unless of course you are reading something by Michael Moore, which is the literary equivalent of being berated for putting down QI on a triple word score.

Petrol:

Constantly going up in price, does no one any good unless you enjoy it when middle England gets all ‘livid’. Speaks for itself.

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A paperback book at £7.99, for all the enjoyment it can offer is not expensive, in comparison to many other things. We live in a world in which the price of everything seems to be eternally rising, but books have stayed pretty constant for years now (certainly since I started working in bookselling in 2002). To me that suggests that books at full price are cheap and that there is little reason to drive down their value so much that in a few years time people will balk at paying more than a fiver for one.

Got anything else that you think makes a full-price book seem cheap? Comments field below.

On Libraries

It feels slightly odd to be writing a blog post about the value of libraries. Their worth to society seems pretty obvious to me and many others. Yet we as a country are facing the very real prospect of mass library closures as part of the coalition government’s cuts (remember, those cuts that weren’t going to be swingeing). I want to ask what kind of government would create such a void in our society and what is their motivation for doing so?

The disappearance of libraries from our villages and towns would have a pretty wide impact on communities and individuals. A good library is not just a building full of free books, but an exercise in equality and a demonstration of the value of education. Anyone can join a library and make use of its benefits. You may not have a job, internet connection or money, but in a library you are able to read, self-educate and develop as a person. What or where else allows an individual to do that? Books are not cheap products but they are some of the most valuable in the world and if we as a society truly believe that education is a right, not a privilege, they should at some level be free. A library is a central part of suburban, rural and urban British life, and should remain so forever.

Last year my girlfriend worked as a teaching assistant in a local primary school (and is now training to be a teacher). She used the library at least fortnightly to borrow books to read to young children, many of whom came from low-income families. Remove that library and what happens? Either the school teachers must buy every book they read to their pupils, or the pupils will not be read to. Now what does that say about how the government values teachers and education? Though closure of libraries may not be directed related to the rise university tuition fees, by placing the two together it does seem as though the coalition is in very real danger of failing young people who want to be educated.

Another typical library user is my grandmother. She is in her seventies and uses the library frequently to rent films and borrow books, taking advantage of both the traditional and modern services provided by her local service in Abbots Langley. Surely one of the central tenets of a decent society is how it treats its elders and the services they have come to rely upon. I don’t mean to sound all sentimental, but surely it is wrong to ask people to contribute to this country for their entire lives and then when they are able to enjoy their free-time in retirement, remove the things they value the most.

Libraries are surely worth every penny they cost us. They provide essential services and if they are cut the question about where the axe will stop falling will have to be asked. How much is the government prepared to strip away from British society, whilst simultaneously allowing billions to be lost in tax avoidance? Are schools and teachers to be lost whilst Vodafone’s debts are written off? Is the NHS to be compromised but Sir Philip Green left untouched? This coalition is less than a year old and already its priorities need to be thoroughly re-examined.

There is a growing belief that the incumbent government is woefully out of touch with its people and has no real concept of what matters to them. Of course they will deny this claim, but when I watch the television and see them blustering, jeering and cheering at one another like it’s a game, whilst raising tuition fees and announcing cuts it is hard to see how they can. They just don’t seem to get that their decisions will adversely affect so many lives. Part of the issue is clearly that the three men in charge (Cameron, Clegg and Osborne) are extremely wealthy and so have no concept of reliance on a service such as a library, or an affordable education, but in any case I do not believe that they are stupid men. So before it decides to close libraries our government must stop, think and ask itself what its core values are. If they genuinely are as far removed from the public at large as they seem then I fear for our libraries. However if at any level they believe in being fair, education for all and strong communities they will allow a single one to be closed. Only time will tell what kind of people run our country.

Here are some useful library links, if you’ve any more post them below and I will add them:

Voices for the Library (these people have many more links to follow)

The Bookseller Fight for Libraries Campaign

Library Campaign

Save Stony Stratford Library

Books in 2011

As 2011 is the first year in the past three that I have not started with a reading list to get through, I have more freedom to read what I want than I am accustomed to. As such I thought I’d set my own list of books I’d like to get through or genres I’d like to read over the next twelve months. Some are Christmas presents, some bought with vouchers given to me for Christmas, some I do not yet own and some are on my shelf right now, having been neglected for a fair while since they were bought. The list isn’t going to be too strict. So if I don’t manage to get through everything I won’t be too disappointed or mark myself down. After all, I shall probably buy more books throughout the year that will usurp some of these targets,

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Dickens

I’ve never read any. In fact during my three-year degree course I kind of actively avoided modules that would have required me to read Charles Dickens, which is probably to my detriment rather than benefit. It wasn’t because I had no desire to read Dickens’ classics, more because I enjoyed the study of more modern, and of American, literature. So now I am out of education and no longer have to think about book choices in terms of having to eventually write academically about them, I can read a classic purely to enjoy it. This then brings about the question of what Dickens novel to read?

I will admit to knowing very little about his work, other than what the Muppets have taught me. So at the moment I am swaying towards either Great Expectations or A Tale of Two Cities. Following the crowd, I know. If you’ve any other Dickens suggestions, post ‘em below.

The Elegance of the Hedgehog

I have been told that it is ‘very French’. So as a lover of things that are very French, I cannot help but think that I will love Muriel Barbery’s book. Also I think I should read more European fiction. There is so much out there that rarely gets the attention it deserves in the UK (some doesn’t even get translated) that it seems only right that I make the most of what we have got.

There is little else I can say about this book. But if it is the literary equivalent of a small village, good red wine, melting Brie or the Left Bank I am sure I will love it.

John le Carré

Earlier this year I read The Constant Gardener and really enjoyed it. It was tense, engrossing and intelligent, really everything I expected from one of our most respected crime and thriller authors. The way in which le Carre bound together a great plotline with politics gave the book an element of social commentary, alongside more traditional whodunnit themes. It made me wonder why I had not read any le Carré before.

A Really Big Book

That’s right, a really big book. One of either Ulysees, 2666 or The Infinite Jest.

I have owned all three for several years now and though I have made an attempt at David Foster Wallace’s epic novel I only got about twenty-five pages through before getting distracted by something thinner that wouldn’t weigh me down on a bicycle. In fairness I was approaching the end of my third year at the time and was so consumed with readings about consciousness and mental representation that I could not devote the necessary hours The Infinite Jest demands. This year though I have no excuse. In April I will be going on holiday to America. What better way to break the back of a big ol’ book than when I am stuck on a plane for eight hours with no distractions except for films, video games and television.

Damn.

Philosophy

Primarily because I love the subject and don’t want to forget all of what I studied during my degree years. I can already feel bits and pieces slipping away, and though if someone stopped me in the street and asked me to explain the twin-earth though experiment, or something as unlikely, I could give a decent account, I no longer think I could engage in a decent argument with said mysterious street philosopher.

With that in mind, I will almost certainly re-read the Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus at some point, and maybe even Wittgenstein’s Philosophical Investigations. Hopefully then I will be able to expand on my knowledge, instead of just compounding it.

Love in the Time of Cholera

It’s been sitting on my shelf for long enough now. Simple as that really.

Actually I blame Nick Hornby/John Cusack for wanting to read it. When I first saw High Fidelity Rob Gordon said, ‘I’ve read books, like The Unbearable Lightness of Being and Love in the Time of Cholera‘. Since that I have held those two books up as pinnacles of great modern literature beyond all others. A strange reason to feel the need to read a book, but a genuine one nevertheless.

Christmas Presents

Specifically Freedom by Jonathan Franzen, The Finkler Question by Howard Jacobson and The Hare With Amber Eyes by Edmund de Waal, which I am currently half-way through.

That’s it for my targets. It’s good to have goals. Happy January y’all.

Art and Philanthropy

Here is summat I wrote for the Diy Womp blog. It’s about art and philanthropy.

Have a read. New post on here soon.

http://diywomp.blogspot.com/2010/12/art-and-philanthropy.html